Ever since I learned about my status more than four months ago, I've began reading up on materials on HIV and related topics to beef up whatever limited stock knowledge I have of the medical condition. I can say I have learned a lot but I am not yet an expert as I am still learning more and more about HIV.
Part of the reason why I decided to learn more about HIV is that I know how paranoia and even the lack of knowledge about the virus can affect me in more ways than one, even paralyze me in fear.
And I've encountered those whose paranoia have gotten to them.
Case # 1 - Pozzie A has two kids in the same house where he lives. They're actually children of his female housemate. He is scared that he might infect them by simply living with them.
Case # 2 - OFW has had as many HIV tests as he already had after an unprotected sex with a female sex worker. All test, done within the window period and even beyond, proved non-reactive but he is still worried that he has HIV because he does not trust the veracity of the test results and efficiency of the test kits. He has lost sleep, worrying over whether he is indeed non-reactive.
These are just two of the several cases of paranoid individuals that I've encountered.
One thing that is common among the stories I've come across is that the letter writers or concerned individuals resort to self-diagnosis or base their status on the symptoms they have even if the symptoms do not necessarily mean they are positive for HIV but for other ailments. They are scared of taking the test and with this, I encourage them to take it because that is the only way they would know what exactly are they sick of and their status.
Some take the test after much encouragement and gathering the guts to do so and they turn out non-reactive or negative for HIV. Whatever symptoms they had indicated other illnesses. Others are still scared of taking the test.
Paranoia won't get anybody anywhere and can even eat a person alive. The only way to address it or stop their fear is to know one's status so that whatever it is, he or she will be guided accordingly.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
It feels good
As soon as I settle down in my desk when I arrive in the office, I always check my emails first before I browse local and foreign news websites, Philippine-based forums, Facebook, and of course my blog. In one of my email accounts, it was a pleasant surprise to receive a letter from a new pozzie who had just read my blog.
It warmed my heart when he said he was inspired by my posts and somewhat found comfort as he comes to terms with his status.
As someone who has made it a personal mission to engage in HIV awareness in whatever way he can and help out other pozzies as well, especially newbies, it feels so good when you get to help those with the same medical condition grapple with it and try to move on with life even if it is difficult at first.
I also give out information on HIV and related issues when needed. I don't claim to be an expert on HIV as I am still learning new things about it day by day but whatever I learn, I share it.
It's been more than four months since I learned about my status. I still have moments of depression and I still suffer from minor ailments/setbacks either due to adjustment to the antiretrovirals or my CD4 may have dropped due to my work schedule. But I see to it that I get over my depression or get medical treatment when necessary. I get to encounter problems related to my medical condition but I get over them after awhile.
When those "bad times" strike, I remind myself of my advocacy to help others and how lucky I still am for having learned about my status early so whatever physical discomforts and problems I am going through will come to pass. Above all, I bask in the support and love of my family, partner, and friends, all of whom help me make it through whenever I am down.
It warmed my heart when he said he was inspired by my posts and somewhat found comfort as he comes to terms with his status.
As someone who has made it a personal mission to engage in HIV awareness in whatever way he can and help out other pozzies as well, especially newbies, it feels so good when you get to help those with the same medical condition grapple with it and try to move on with life even if it is difficult at first.
I also give out information on HIV and related issues when needed. I don't claim to be an expert on HIV as I am still learning new things about it day by day but whatever I learn, I share it.
It's been more than four months since I learned about my status. I still have moments of depression and I still suffer from minor ailments/setbacks either due to adjustment to the antiretrovirals or my CD4 may have dropped due to my work schedule. But I see to it that I get over my depression or get medical treatment when necessary. I get to encounter problems related to my medical condition but I get over them after awhile.
When those "bad times" strike, I remind myself of my advocacy to help others and how lucky I still am for having learned about my status early so whatever physical discomforts and problems I am going through will come to pass. Above all, I bask in the support and love of my family, partner, and friends, all of whom help me make it through whenever I am down.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Fit for a movie
I was looking as far back in my life as I could remember when I realized that the experiences I had could make for a good movie script. I even wrote about it in my account in a social networking site and many of my friends commented on it. Some even wanting to be part of the film on my life - as if it was really going to happen. Haha.
But if it was going to be a movie, I really want Sid Lucero to play me. He is such a brilliant actor but so underrated.
There is a specific part of my life that I want to be made into a movie, it would have to be about my status. It would start off on how I got the virus, how did I learn about it, the hardships I experienced, the effect on my family, etc. The range of emotions is all there and it would be a great acting vehicle for any actor. The movie on my life can serve as a lesson to others - not to commit the same mistakes I did, much like previous movies on Aids victims Sarah Jane Salazar that starred Gelli de Belen and Dolzura Cortez starring Vilma Santos. The difference the movie on my life would be is that it involves a gay person living with HIV - his viewpoint, the difficulties he faces, experiences that are uniquely his.
A friend of mine told me to pen my life story and peddle it to the film studios. I don't have time for that but I would be open to an interview. Would a scriptwriter out there be interested in my story? Let's see.
But if it was going to be a movie, I really want Sid Lucero to play me. He is such a brilliant actor but so underrated.
There is a specific part of my life that I want to be made into a movie, it would have to be about my status. It would start off on how I got the virus, how did I learn about it, the hardships I experienced, the effect on my family, etc. The range of emotions is all there and it would be a great acting vehicle for any actor. The movie on my life can serve as a lesson to others - not to commit the same mistakes I did, much like previous movies on Aids victims Sarah Jane Salazar that starred Gelli de Belen and Dolzura Cortez starring Vilma Santos. The difference the movie on my life would be is that it involves a gay person living with HIV - his viewpoint, the difficulties he faces, experiences that are uniquely his.
A friend of mine told me to pen my life story and peddle it to the film studios. I don't have time for that but I would be open to an interview. Would a scriptwriter out there be interested in my story? Let's see.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Life can be so unfair
There are times when life can be unfair and one of those unfortunate moments happened last Monday.
It was just a few hours into my shift when I received a memorandum from my boss that contained a verbal warning for having incurred six absences without pay last May. In our company, we are only allowed to have three unpaid absences in a month. I was shocked at I felt the blood rush to my head in anger. What the fuck is this?!! I was so demoralized.
Those absences were adequately covered by 2 medical certificates and I incurred them because those were the days when I fell ill - fever and skin rashes - side effects of one of the antiretrovirals (ARVs) I was taking. I had myself checked by a doctor at RITM (Research Institute for Tropical Medicine) and I made sure that I had medical certificates to explain my absences incurred last May 5, 6, 7, 11, 13, 14. And because I was concerned over my absences and "for love of the company," I even forced myself to work on May 12, which wasn't a good idea because I was not in good shape.
I didn't sign the memorandum right away to acknowledge its receipt and texted our administrative supervisor to ask why did I get a memorandum when I was able to submit medical certificates for it. She said she will look into it.
The next day (Tuesday), I was told that my boss instructed our administrative supervisor to issue the memorandum to me DESPITE (!) the medical certificates I submitted. Wow! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't feel like going to work that night as I lapsed into depression and because of my anger, it caused a severe strain on my relationship with my partner as a result of a quarrel I had with him over what happened at work and how unfair our boss was. He and I work in the same company and are under the same boss.
I still went to work and immediately wrote a letter to my boss, asking him to reconsider his decision to issue the memorandum and withdraw it as I explained that I submitted medical certificates to explain my absences and did so out of good faith. This, even if I know that my boss is not the kind of person who changes his mind and sticks to his decisions, even if they may be unreasonable.
Sometime during my shift, however, my elder sister chatted with me and I told her what happened. She explained to me that at the end of the day, it is really my boss's discretion to approve or disapprove leaves without pay even if they are covered by medical certificates and he was just implementing company rules. She prevailed upon me to take back my letter to my boss, which I did, after which I signed the memorandum. I told my elder sister that I still felt very aggrieved over what my boss did because I didn't want to get sick (who wants to get sick anyway?!!) and the fact remains that my absences were adequately explained by the medical certificates.
My depression carried over the next day (Wednesday). I felt so low and was not feeling well that I called in sick at work. My relationship with my partner is still strained and I told him that I would prefer to be silent lest I do or say something that might only make matters worse between us. I can see that he is doing his darnest best to reach out to me but I'd want to have time to get over my depression and anger. The reality of my status, the hardships I went through and the unfair treatment I got from my boss caused me to question my faith and question God.
Hopefully, things will be okay soon.
It was just a few hours into my shift when I received a memorandum from my boss that contained a verbal warning for having incurred six absences without pay last May. In our company, we are only allowed to have three unpaid absences in a month. I was shocked at I felt the blood rush to my head in anger. What the fuck is this?!! I was so demoralized.
Those absences were adequately covered by 2 medical certificates and I incurred them because those were the days when I fell ill - fever and skin rashes - side effects of one of the antiretrovirals (ARVs) I was taking. I had myself checked by a doctor at RITM (Research Institute for Tropical Medicine) and I made sure that I had medical certificates to explain my absences incurred last May 5, 6, 7, 11, 13, 14. And because I was concerned over my absences and "for love of the company," I even forced myself to work on May 12, which wasn't a good idea because I was not in good shape.
I didn't sign the memorandum right away to acknowledge its receipt and texted our administrative supervisor to ask why did I get a memorandum when I was able to submit medical certificates for it. She said she will look into it.
The next day (Tuesday), I was told that my boss instructed our administrative supervisor to issue the memorandum to me DESPITE (!) the medical certificates I submitted. Wow! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't feel like going to work that night as I lapsed into depression and because of my anger, it caused a severe strain on my relationship with my partner as a result of a quarrel I had with him over what happened at work and how unfair our boss was. He and I work in the same company and are under the same boss.
I still went to work and immediately wrote a letter to my boss, asking him to reconsider his decision to issue the memorandum and withdraw it as I explained that I submitted medical certificates to explain my absences and did so out of good faith. This, even if I know that my boss is not the kind of person who changes his mind and sticks to his decisions, even if they may be unreasonable.
Sometime during my shift, however, my elder sister chatted with me and I told her what happened. She explained to me that at the end of the day, it is really my boss's discretion to approve or disapprove leaves without pay even if they are covered by medical certificates and he was just implementing company rules. She prevailed upon me to take back my letter to my boss, which I did, after which I signed the memorandum. I told my elder sister that I still felt very aggrieved over what my boss did because I didn't want to get sick (who wants to get sick anyway?!!) and the fact remains that my absences were adequately explained by the medical certificates.
My depression carried over the next day (Wednesday). I felt so low and was not feeling well that I called in sick at work. My relationship with my partner is still strained and I told him that I would prefer to be silent lest I do or say something that might only make matters worse between us. I can see that he is doing his darnest best to reach out to me but I'd want to have time to get over my depression and anger. The reality of my status, the hardships I went through and the unfair treatment I got from my boss caused me to question my faith and question God.
Hopefully, things will be okay soon.
Monday, June 28, 2010
CBC update and a long trip to Bulacan
June 25. After I got off from work at 6 a.m., I took a quick nap and left the house at past 10 a.m. I arrived at RITM past noon for my follow-up CBC as scheduled and proceeded to the lounge since I expected the clinic to be closed. I chanced upon the lounge staff having their lunch and gave them a box of donuts that I had bought as "pasalubong."
At 1 p.m., I went to the clinical laboratory for my blood extraction and after less than 2 minutes, I went back to the lounge to wait for the CBC results. I was optimistic that my hemoglobin count would be higher than then 123 that I registered in late May since I was already taking ferrous sulfate and eating as much green leafy veggies as well as bitter gourd (ampalaya).
When the results arrived at the clinic, Ate Ana called for me and the doctor told me that my hemoglobin count went down a notch. From 123, it now was 122. What?! Haaay. Anyway, the doctor said I will have to return to RITM next month for yet another CBC. The good news is my lami-zido has not been replaced. I also had to replenish my supply so I was given three months worth of ARVs.
I was through with what I needed to do in RITM at past 4 and I hitched a ride with AA. We picked up my partner at Festival Mall then off we went to pick up A in Manila, who asked AA if he could bring him to San Miguel, Bulacan to pick up a laptop, and then AA's partner, J, in Quezon City. We got to San Miguel, Bulacan at past 9 p.m. and since we were near Gapan, Nueva Ecija, we decided to go there for quick dinner at Jollibee. We arrived back in Manila past 12. T'was surely a tiring day.
At 1 p.m., I went to the clinical laboratory for my blood extraction and after less than 2 minutes, I went back to the lounge to wait for the CBC results. I was optimistic that my hemoglobin count would be higher than then 123 that I registered in late May since I was already taking ferrous sulfate and eating as much green leafy veggies as well as bitter gourd (ampalaya).
When the results arrived at the clinic, Ate Ana called for me and the doctor told me that my hemoglobin count went down a notch. From 123, it now was 122. What?! Haaay. Anyway, the doctor said I will have to return to RITM next month for yet another CBC. The good news is my lami-zido has not been replaced. I also had to replenish my supply so I was given three months worth of ARVs.
I was through with what I needed to do in RITM at past 4 and I hitched a ride with AA. We picked up my partner at Festival Mall then off we went to pick up A in Manila, who asked AA if he could bring him to San Miguel, Bulacan to pick up a laptop, and then AA's partner, J, in Quezon City. We got to San Miguel, Bulacan at past 9 p.m. and since we were near Gapan, Nueva Ecija, we decided to go there for quick dinner at Jollibee. We arrived back in Manila past 12. T'was surely a tiring day.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Revelation and surprise
Just as I was thinking of something to blog about since I haven't updated this for quite sometime now, something came up. Talk about timing.
A friend of mine, who I've known way back 2001 or 2002 and who I had a short-lived romance, suddenly chatted with me in private over at Facebook and asked how I was. Let's call this friend of mine as "D". At first, I thought the conversation was just the usual "hey-how have you been-what's up with you" type of chat. It turned out otherwise.
D asked if I still frequented Morato where an ex of mine co-owns a bar. D and I chanced upon each other in my ex's bar sometime in 2007. I said not anymore, after that former lover and I broke up. The reason he asked me was because he wanted to talk to me and hoped that he and I could meet up. I told D we get to seldom meet and if ever we get to interact, it's through Facebook so I prodded him to tell me what he wanted to say.
Without any hesitation, he told me he was positive and he learned of his status in 2007. His partner, who is a friend of mine as well, is negative. He came out to me because he said he wanted to tell all his exes. Although he and I didn't have sex during our short-lived romance and the most we did was torrid kissing, he said he felt that he still had the obligation to tell me. It was a touching gesture on D's part and in return, I came out to him also. I also told him my partner is negative as well. He took it well and we shared experiences and the travails of being poz.
Anyway, aside from wanting to inform his exes about his status, D also said he came out to me after he met someone from a poz group in my home province and in the course of their conversation, D rattled off names of people he know who are in Manila now but are from my home province. When my name came up, that person reacted "oddly" as D described it. So D asked that person if I was poz. The person only told D to ask me. That person could have flatly said No and instead left doubts on D's mind. Sigh. Of all people who would implicitly reveal my status, it had to be someone from my home province instead of someone from here in Manila. To be honest about it, I already half expect my status to come out in the public sooner or later from someone here who knows about it. Maybe by accident or borne out of revenge.
Need I remind those in the poz community that Republic Act (RA) 8504 contains responsibilities for pozzies that include a prohibition against implicitly or explicitly revealing the HIV status of a person.
I hope to meet D again one day after a long time so we can catch up on each other's lives and perhaps he can remember who was that person who implicitly "outed" me. At the end of our chat, I thanked D for coming out to me and trusting me with his secret as I assured him that it is safe with me.
A friend of mine, who I've known way back 2001 or 2002 and who I had a short-lived romance, suddenly chatted with me in private over at Facebook and asked how I was. Let's call this friend of mine as "D". At first, I thought the conversation was just the usual "hey-how have you been-what's up with you" type of chat. It turned out otherwise.
D asked if I still frequented Morato where an ex of mine co-owns a bar. D and I chanced upon each other in my ex's bar sometime in 2007. I said not anymore, after that former lover and I broke up. The reason he asked me was because he wanted to talk to me and hoped that he and I could meet up. I told D we get to seldom meet and if ever we get to interact, it's through Facebook so I prodded him to tell me what he wanted to say.
Without any hesitation, he told me he was positive and he learned of his status in 2007. His partner, who is a friend of mine as well, is negative. He came out to me because he said he wanted to tell all his exes. Although he and I didn't have sex during our short-lived romance and the most we did was torrid kissing, he said he felt that he still had the obligation to tell me. It was a touching gesture on D's part and in return, I came out to him also. I also told him my partner is negative as well. He took it well and we shared experiences and the travails of being poz.
Anyway, aside from wanting to inform his exes about his status, D also said he came out to me after he met someone from a poz group in my home province and in the course of their conversation, D rattled off names of people he know who are in Manila now but are from my home province. When my name came up, that person reacted "oddly" as D described it. So D asked that person if I was poz. The person only told D to ask me. That person could have flatly said No and instead left doubts on D's mind. Sigh. Of all people who would implicitly reveal my status, it had to be someone from my home province instead of someone from here in Manila. To be honest about it, I already half expect my status to come out in the public sooner or later from someone here who knows about it. Maybe by accident or borne out of revenge.
Need I remind those in the poz community that Republic Act (RA) 8504 contains responsibilities for pozzies that include a prohibition against implicitly or explicitly revealing the HIV status of a person.
I hope to meet D again one day after a long time so we can catch up on each other's lives and perhaps he can remember who was that person who implicitly "outed" me. At the end of our chat, I thanked D for coming out to me and trusting me with his secret as I assured him that it is safe with me.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
A double whammy
Nothing prepared for me for what happened last Monday, June 7. It was like being doused with ice-cold water - twice!
I went to RITM to have my infected acne (one on my chin and the other just below the left nostril) checked by the dermatologist and find out what were the marks I noticed and felt on the right side of my neck and nape that looked like allergy. I was really hoping it was not shingles.
I called up Dr. Ditangco's clinic early in the morning and informed them that I was coming for a checkup and so they can ready my records. I was told the dermatologist was available at 3 p.m. yet afternoon yet so I dropped by the clinic first where I found Zairah and a new pozzie getting up from bed, visibly ill and suffering from rashes due to the ARVs he was taking. He was accompanied by his elder brother. We proceeded to the lounge where I found Dr. Ditangco, the staff and 2 other pozzies there. The new pozzie went to the small room cum kitchen to rest and I took my place at the sofa to watch TV. Lunch (chicken afritada) cooked by Ate Ellen was served and I talked to the brother of the new pozzie. Since I was inspired and "renewed" after I had attended the self-empowerment seminar conducted by Dr. Ditangco's sister, Dra. Rita, over the weekend at the Citystate Tower Hotel in Ermita, Manila, I provided support and advice to the pozzie's brother and told him that the fever and rashes that his brother is experiencing are just temporary. I shared how I dealt with the side effects of the ARVs. After awhile, the pozzie and his brother had to go to the clinic because the doctor on duty was already there.
At 3 p.m., Ate Ellen accompanied me to the dermatologist. After the standard interview and physical examination, my worst fear was confirmed - I had herpes zoster or shingles. What??!! Where did I get this?! The docs who attended to me explained that low resistance and stress may have caused it. Shingles, I was also told, is a recurrence of the chickenpox I suffered from when I was a kid. I was asked if I had chickenpox before but told the doctors I don't remember. Anyway, I was prescribed medicines for the shingles and for my infected acne. I informed Dr. Ditangco and the other staffers what I had and then went to the clinic to find out if any of the prescribed medicines were available. I went to the pharmacy and had an unpleasant run-in with one of the employees there when I checked with them if they had the prescribed medicines. Luckily, they had most of it.
I went back to the clinic with my medicines from the pharmacy, and got the biggest shock of the day. When I entered the clinic, I saw Dr. C., a very good friend of mine, who I found out worked at the RITM as a consultant. He was visibly shocked to see me there and asked what was I doing in the clinic? I panicked and said I was following up something. Dr. C had to leave the clinic because he had a patient to attend to. I was so affected by what happened up until I got home. I mustered enough guts to call Dr. C and came out to him about my status. He said he wasn't surprised since those who would go to Dr Ditangco's clinic were pozzies. I related all the events prior to my taking the HIV test and how I am dealing with my status. He told me not to be surprised if I find other people I know (close or acquaintances) having a checkup at RITM. I didn't ask who was he referring to. Dr. C told me to take it easy and to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I heaved a sigh of relief after the call.
Two shockers in one day was enough to rattle me and I hope it doesn't happen again. As for my shingles, I am recovering just fine and I hope they don't leave any scars.
I went to RITM to have my infected acne (one on my chin and the other just below the left nostril) checked by the dermatologist and find out what were the marks I noticed and felt on the right side of my neck and nape that looked like allergy. I was really hoping it was not shingles.
I called up Dr. Ditangco's clinic early in the morning and informed them that I was coming for a checkup and so they can ready my records. I was told the dermatologist was available at 3 p.m. yet afternoon yet so I dropped by the clinic first where I found Zairah and a new pozzie getting up from bed, visibly ill and suffering from rashes due to the ARVs he was taking. He was accompanied by his elder brother. We proceeded to the lounge where I found Dr. Ditangco, the staff and 2 other pozzies there. The new pozzie went to the small room cum kitchen to rest and I took my place at the sofa to watch TV. Lunch (chicken afritada) cooked by Ate Ellen was served and I talked to the brother of the new pozzie. Since I was inspired and "renewed" after I had attended the self-empowerment seminar conducted by Dr. Ditangco's sister, Dra. Rita, over the weekend at the Citystate Tower Hotel in Ermita, Manila, I provided support and advice to the pozzie's brother and told him that the fever and rashes that his brother is experiencing are just temporary. I shared how I dealt with the side effects of the ARVs. After awhile, the pozzie and his brother had to go to the clinic because the doctor on duty was already there.
At 3 p.m., Ate Ellen accompanied me to the dermatologist. After the standard interview and physical examination, my worst fear was confirmed - I had herpes zoster or shingles. What??!! Where did I get this?! The docs who attended to me explained that low resistance and stress may have caused it. Shingles, I was also told, is a recurrence of the chickenpox I suffered from when I was a kid. I was asked if I had chickenpox before but told the doctors I don't remember. Anyway, I was prescribed medicines for the shingles and for my infected acne. I informed Dr. Ditangco and the other staffers what I had and then went to the clinic to find out if any of the prescribed medicines were available. I went to the pharmacy and had an unpleasant run-in with one of the employees there when I checked with them if they had the prescribed medicines. Luckily, they had most of it.
I went back to the clinic with my medicines from the pharmacy, and got the biggest shock of the day. When I entered the clinic, I saw Dr. C., a very good friend of mine, who I found out worked at the RITM as a consultant. He was visibly shocked to see me there and asked what was I doing in the clinic? I panicked and said I was following up something. Dr. C had to leave the clinic because he had a patient to attend to. I was so affected by what happened up until I got home. I mustered enough guts to call Dr. C and came out to him about my status. He said he wasn't surprised since those who would go to Dr Ditangco's clinic were pozzies. I related all the events prior to my taking the HIV test and how I am dealing with my status. He told me not to be surprised if I find other people I know (close or acquaintances) having a checkup at RITM. I didn't ask who was he referring to. Dr. C told me to take it easy and to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I heaved a sigh of relief after the call.
Two shockers in one day was enough to rattle me and I hope it doesn't happen again. As for my shingles, I am recovering just fine and I hope they don't leave any scars.
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