Battle-weary

It's 1:50 a.m. and I write this while I am at work, trying so hard to fight off the lethargy while suffering from lower back pain. On top of that, I am dizzy and depressed.

It's been almost 2 weeks since I lasted posted a blog, the main reason for which is fever (as a side effect of the ARVs I began taking) struck me down. It was after breakfast last May 4 at the Batangas resort where we had our company outing that I suddenly felt ill. I decided to take a nap and woke up feeling fine. On the road back to Manila, the sick feeling began creeping in again. I tried to shrug it off. When I got home, I was so beat that I could went straight to bed after taking my clothes off. Then fever set it. I texted Ate Ana and informed her of my condition, while updating her on my temperature. I also stopped taking Nevirapine and did not take paracetamol as instructed. I was also itching all over so badly, I couldn't sleep. My partner accompanied me to RITM on May 7 where the doctor took a look at me and prescribed another ARV - Efavirenz. I was forewarned to expect skin rashes to appear after the fever and to go back to RITM IF THE SKIN RASHES get worse. The next day, May 8, the skin rashes appeared.... they were a few at first on my neck and arms but as the day progressed, it grew in number. Oh God, I prayed, please don't let this spread all over my face as well. It didn't, thank God!

The itchiness, lethargy and fever made me stay in bed the whole day of Saturday until Sunday. I barely slept for 2 days because I was rubbing my skin most of the time to ease the itch. I broke down while watching the Sunday Mass on TV. I couldn't handle this any longer, I told myself. I texted J and D. I told them how the rashes are making me depressed when I look at it and when I look at myself in the mirror. The reality of my status struck me harder than ever with the rashes I see on my body. They told me to cheer up and assured me that it will be all over soon.

Monday, election day, came and the itchiness had stopped but I was weak and had barely enough appetite to eat. The elections kept my mind preoccupied for the most part of the day. I was in bed most of the day on Tuesday like the previous day. Wednesday came and I texted P to ask how he was while letting out my angst. I saw to it that I got as much rest as I could for the night's work. Usually, it took me less than 15 minutes to walk from the house to the office but because I was dizzy and weak, it took longer. I took small steps and walked slowly...

I am weary to the bone. It isn't even the middle of the year yet but things have already been physically and emotionally taxing for me. From getting confined to pneumonia last March to knowing my status that same month and now I am going through the adverse side effects of the ARVs.

I am on the verge of surrendering... of giving up the fight against this virus and let it take its course. I don't want to be lethargic anymore, I don't want to be dizzy and nauseous anymore, I don't want to have fever again. I can't take seeing these spots on my body. I want to be free from the discomfort and pain....I want to rest...