A new life

So much has happened today... and I have come up with a new goal in life - now that I have been diagnosed as positive for the human immunodeficiency virus or HIV.

Let me relate the events that transpired before what happened today.

It was past 10 p.m. on March 2 and I was at work (I am on night shift) when I felt stabbing pain on my torso's upper left side. Thinking that maybe it was because of the electric fan at my back, I turned the thing off but the pain didn't subside. The pain only moved from the upper left side to the upper left part of my chest and then it would go to my upper left back. I decided to go on half-day and then went home. I told my partner to massage the part which hurt and it somewhat subsided but later on, I had fever. The next day, March 3, I had a massage as suggested by my landlady. The pain went away after a few hours, only to recur with greater intensity. I first observed if the pain would subside but when it didn't, I decided to go to a hospital where I eventually got confined. My attending physicians ruled that I had pneumonia so I was prescribed antibiotics and paracetamol for my fever, which at one point, reached 41.0. I was discharged from the hospital on March 8. In the meantime, a friend of mine suggested that I get tested for HIV since pneumonia is an opportunistic infection that can befall a "pozzie." He knew what my sexlife was because I was that open to him and I admit I've engaged in unprotected sex before I met my partner.

So, off we went - my partner and I - to the Manila Social Hygiene Clinic infront of the San Lazaro Hospital early morning of March 26. I wasn't nervous at all prior to taking the test. The personnel were friendly and accommodating. My partner and I each filled out a form, counseled separately by Ate Lucy and then blood was extracted from us for the rapid HIV antibody test. After a few minutes, the results came in. My partner was called first by Ate Lucy and in less than three minutes, he came out of the counseling room and then it was my turn. Ate Lucy informed me that i was reactive while my partner was non-reactive. Reactive meant that I MAY have HIV antibodies in my blood so I need to give another blood sample for confirmatory tests. The results will be released after a week or two. I was dumbfounded. I could hear Ate Lucy still telling me things but I wasn't paying any attention to her. I asked Ate Lucy to inform my partner about my results. It was then I broke down and I couldn't stop crying even after we left the clinic.

From the clinic, my partner and I went to Greenbelt chapel where I poured my heart out to God and then had confession. But never did I blame God for what happened or entertained thoughts of exacting revenge. I didn't even bother to recall who infected me. What for? My partner broke down as well during our talk in the chapel. If there is anything I am thankful for is that he is sticking it out with me, no matter what, and he still loves me as much as before. I am also thankful he was non-reactive but then again, he is not exactly out of the woods, so to speak, as he has to go back to the clinic in June for another test.

So, for the days and weeks that followed until today, I went through a gamut of emotions - from denial to self-pity and then to acceptance.

Last April 8, my partner informed me that my confirmatory test results have arrived at the social hygiene clinic but since it was already evening and the next day was a holiday, I will get to read it on Monday. Oh well, since I was able to wait for more than 2 weeks, three more days of waiting won't be much. But mind you, I was getting apprehensive already. And then Monday came. I was nervous on our way to the clinic. The clinic staff gave me my results in a sealed envelope, which I opened when I was inside the counseling room. The EIA and Western Blot tests showed that I was positive for HIV. Surprisingly, I was calm and collected when I read the results. So was my partner. I didn't even cry. Perhaps because I already psyched myself to prepare for the worst while still hoping for the best. But I was sad and I was quiet for the most part of the trip to Greenbelt chapel and to home. I was also pondering on how to break the news to my sisters - the remaining members of my immediate family after our parents already passed away.

With this, I have resolved to be an advocate for safe sex and on HIV/Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (Aids).

Call it a coincidence but the day's Gospel was about Jesus talking about being born again. And for me, knowing my status is a rebirth as it came two days after my 43rd birthday. I have a new life to live. There will be challenges along the way but I know I can handle them.